On Halloween night, don't worry about ghosts and vampires spoiling your fun. The real threat to your holiday happiness is the increasing infiltration of Zombies in Cortland County. They're everywhere. A frequent claim is that Zombies are undead. But scientific research indicates that Zombies can be dead or alive.
Many citizens are unaware of how serious the threat is. A few insiders know that Zombies have infiltrated SUCC campus, occupy high positions on staff, control primary and secondary education throughout the county, and occupy positions in state and local government.
A few years ago, Cortland's former mayor fired two of them. The identified Zombies had obtained questionable appointments to city government. Police, sheriff, emergency management, and county health department officials were notified shortly after the Zombies were dismissed. For reasons of public safety, these two Zombies are still being monitored daily.
The Zombie situation in Cortland County is more alarming than in the city. This year the county chairperson reassigned several legislators who, it is generally believed, are Zombie sycophants or larvae. They were accused of following orders issued by the leaders--alleged Zombies--of the two major political parties. If you were unaware of the morbid details, now you know.
Fortunately, Cortland's Zombies have not displayed any indications of violence or aggression to date. They do not appear to be hungry. Nonetheless, it is a good idea to stay vigilant. Take inventory of your family's relative safety. Do you know where your children are? Are your pets safe? Is grandma protected and secure? The sheriff speculates that Zombies are waiting for a cell phone call to begin the Zombie Apocalypse in Cortland County. Be ready.*
Parents often accompany their children when children Trick or Treat on Halloween. Look closely at these parents. Study their faces. Do they appear hungry? Ask yourself, are these parents and their children Zombies? Zombies don't need masks.
It is known that Zombies survive by assimilation, and it is your brain that they would assimilate. If your brain has been devoured, it is already too late.
A Zombie Apocalypse may be coming to Cortland soon. Study the chart above. Left click to enlarge.Take necessary precautions for your self-defense.
This is a special Halloween Alert.
*CDC Zombie Emergency Kits
Zombies Moaning Audio Clip