Sunday, July 14, 2013

Lost Virginity

   After an unexplained absence of several days, Cortland’s Mayor Brian Tobin returned to Cortland on Friday with a fantastic story.

   “I was abducted from my home by aliens,” he claims, “and the aliens experimented on me in their spacecraft somewhere outside our solar system.”

   Neighbors and City Hall officials knew he was missing but assumed he had gone to Racquette Lake in the Adirondacks. Tobin is the head swim coach for the State University at Cortland and teaches at the lake every summer.

   The handsome 42 year-old bachelor mayor appeared absolutely serious as he gave details of his unearthly experience. He spoke in a subdued voice. It was difficult to hear and record every word. Here is our version:

   “As you know, I have never allowed sex to interfere with my politics. I am proud to be called the ‘Virgin Mayor of New York State’. But those egg-headed alien spooks experimented on me against my will and forced me to have sex with a robot. I was tied to a restraining device. Then they brought the robot in. I was terrified but defiant. I called them Republicans. They drugged me. After the drugs and the experience with the robot, all I recall was a wave of pleasure and serenity. I think I screamed near the end. Sadly, I lost my virginity while flying deep in outer space.

   “I hope the loss of my virginity does not cause voters to reject me. Actually, it was a remarkable experience. I didn’t know what I was missing.

   “When the aliens dropped me off at my house last night, I was afraid to tell anybody about my experience. I thought, if I say anything about it, people will think I am crazy.

   “I sought advice from my devoted friend Bill Wood. He told me to hold a press conference and explain it because residents of Cortland will hear rumors and Republicans will try to discredit me during my re-election campaign.”

   Mayor Tobin announced in June 2013 that he was running for re-election. Since then, he has suspected that aliens were watching him day and night, and that NSA was monitoring his email and phone calls.

   Police were taking his claim seriously. The FBI and FAA were notified.

  The Republican chairman was unimpressed with the mayor’s story and called it an out-of-the-box fraud and re-election gimmick. “He’s trying to get attention, but voters will think he is crazy.” The Republican chairman refused to comment on the absence of a Republican candidate for the upcoming mayoral election.

   It looks like the popular mayor will be running unopposed this fall, even though the loss of his virginity will be a controversial subject during the mayoral campaign. It is evident that Cortland residents, who have a unique reputation in New York State, are proud of their mayor's past reputation of virginity.

   Residents who want to know more about the mayor’s extraterrestrial experience may contact the mayor at City Hall or question him at the next scheduled Meet the Candidates forum.

   This past weekend a few neighbors on Pearl Street started rumors that the mayor sits on his back porch at night waiting for the aliens to return. 

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