MULLINS THE AGNOSTIC

The Cortland Democrat, Friday, July 1, 1887.

Mullins the Agnostic.

(as told by Deacon Stillwater)

His name was William Mullins, and

  He had a sneerin' way

Of turnin' his proboscis up,

  At everything you'd say.

"Wall, now, how do you know?" said he;

  "Humph, now, how do you know?"

The way it closed the argument

  It wasn't by no means slow.

You might be talkin' social like

  With fellows at the store

On war or politics and sich,

  And you might have the floor

And be a-gittin' it down fine,

  Provin' that things was so.

When Mullins would stick his long nose in

  With "Humph, now, how do you know?"

I seen that critter set in church

  And take a sermon in.

And turn his nose up in a sneer

  At death and grace and sin.

With no regard for time or place

  With realms of endless woe.

He'd rise and burst the whole thing up

  With "Humph, now, how do you know?"

He cut his grass whenever it rained,

  He shocked his wheat up green,

He cut his corn behind the frost,

  His hogs was allus lean.

He built his stacks the big end up,

  His corn cribs big end down;

"Crooked as Mullin's roadside fence"

  Was a proverb in our town.

"The older he got the wuss he grew,

  and crookeder day by day;

The squint of his eyes would wind a clock,

  His toes turned out each way.

His boots and shoes were both of them lefts,

  The rheumatiz twisted so;

But if you said he didn't look well

  He'd growl, "Now, how do you know?"

And that darned grit led to his death--

  He was on the railroad track

Crossin' a bridge; I heard the train

  And yelled, "Mullins, come back!

The train's round the curve in sight!"

  Says he, "Humph, how do you know?"

I helped to gather him up in a pail

  The engine scattered him so.

I think it's best to have more faith

  In every-day concerns,

And not be allus a snoopin' round

  To get behind the returns.

A plain statement will do for me,

  A hint instead of a blow;

A coroner's jury may fetch out facts,

  But its rather late to know.

A. T. Worden.