Seven Cortland Alderpersons Obtain One-Way Tickets to Mars

    

 

 

     The Cortland common council has obtained 7 one-way launch tickets to Mars.  MARS FIRST, the second pioneering space company to announce that it is seeking volunteers to settle Mars, made the announcement in Syracuse yesterday.

     MARS ONE was the first company to announce its futuristic project to settle Mars. The launch is scheduled for 2024. Competitor MARS FIRST made its announcement about six months later, and pushed up their own 2019 scheduled launch date to 2015.

     “Eight alderpersons volunteered but we rejected one. As early as 2015 we will have our candidates ready for space travel,” said R. Mack Cook, COO of MARS FIRST.

     It is rumored that the 7 tickets were obtained by the Cortland firefighter’s union, who claim it will cost the union about $7 million. It is rumored also that the union hired an actuary and an attorney, who say the money can be borrowed now and paid back within two years by winning five more grievances against the city through arbitration. A local bank has offered to give the union credit.

     MARS FIRST announced late last year that their mission will cost about $5 billion, most of which comes from private and public grants. Gov. Cuomo confirmed that New York State will provide grants for the space project but cautioned that “the new Tappan Zee Bridge equipped with missile defense pads, anti-terrorist clear-coat paint, escalator highway surfaces, bells and whistles has first priority. And then there are the casinos.”

     One alderman was not accepted by the space company. MARS FIRST ran background checks on the individual, a Republican, and discovered he is a latent zombie. “We can’t accept a latent zombie for space flight with an otherwise healthy crew. Unlike his demonstrated lack of aggression at public meetings (sleeping), this zombie will attack the others and devour their brains during isolated space travel, and then starve after it arrives at the Red Planet. We witnessed a terrestrial occurrence of a similar nature in Virgil recently,” a spokesman for the company said. He added: “The families of these Mars settlers may seek to prosecute the company for liability over the deaths by zombie attack. It is partially consoling to hear that the firefighters' union has promised not to file a grievance over a sudden demise of city council.”

     MARS ONE has over 203,000 applicants, and will launch 24 settlers in 2024. It is not known how many applicants have signed with MARS FIRST, or if the applicants were tested mentally and physically. 

     Cortland is already making arrangements with the Election Board for a special election to seat a new and hopefully less adventure prone common council in 2015. A suggestion to move a Fourth Ward polling place to the wastewater treatment plant was rejected.

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