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| The original Miss Chiquita Banana |
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| Sherwood without any disguise whatsoever |
Sherwood has eloped with Miss Chiquita
Banana. It’s true, or my name isn’t Bill Clinton.
Some of you may remember Sherwood, the English speaking chimp, who was
raised and trained right here in Cortland County by Mr. M. A. D. Shine. Often
called “Mad” by his neighbors for his exotic menagerie in Cortland, the
eccentric Mr. Shine is a retired circus man. “Mad” he may be, but he did find
the kindness in his heart to warn the public when Sherwood escaped from a River
Street lodging over three years ago.After he escaped, Sherwood got hungry and boldly applied for food stamps at the Cortland County Social Services Department. Not being a human, his request was denied. Concluding that he was the victim of discrimination, he went on a rampage at the county office building. He trashed an office at the Social Services Department, then punched and knocked out the chairman of the county legislature in a third floor men’s room. He stole the chairman’s clothes, put them on, and proceeded to the chamber of the legislature. He was wearing an excellent disguise, we are told. The former chairman, Jack B. Nimble, was known for his thick bushy beard and uncut long hair. He had the same dark complexion as Sherwood, and the same wide mouth and toothy grin. Both, when speaking, had a nearly identical heavy Cortland accent. They both said “Saraquse,” when referring to Syracuse, New York.
Mistaking Sherwood for Jack B. Nimble, the legislators allowed him to conduct the meeting as chairman. Sherwood presided over the passage of a record number of resolutions, the legislators reduced spending and borrowing and accomplished more public economy and efficiency in one session than the county legislature had accomplished over the last thirty years. After the meeting, knowing that the sheriff was looking for him, Sherwood disappeared. A fugitive from justice, he went on the lam.
While he was hiding from the short arm of Cortland County's law, Sherwood submitted several intriguing articles to the Cortland Contrarian. Finding that his articles were offensive, worthless and in bad taste, we published all of them. One of them, in particular, received a great amount of attention. It was captioned Scoop Shovels Donated to County Legislators. It was obvious that Sherwood was not a tree-top jungle, zoo or laboratory product. He had a fist as powerful as Clint Eastwood’s Clyde, and a sense of social awareness and an intelligence on par with New York Congressman Charlie Rangel.
That leads us to the reported elopement. According to the online weekly Free Government Money, a non-profit newspaper with ties to Congressman Rangel, that distinguished New York Congressman met Cortland's Sherwood, Saturday night last, at a Harlem night club. Sherwood was wearing another clever disguise, as he presented the convincing appearance of a junk dealer. Congressman Rangel offered Sherwood an internship in Washington, but Sherwood claimed that he had a writing job lined up with Free Government Money, and so declined the offer. “I provide for them too,” Congressman Rangel said.
More people gathered around Congressman Rangel’s table, many of them smiling and telling him he was doing an excellent job in Washington. “You know how to bring home the bacon and the bread,” one of his admirers said. At some point, Congressman Rangel introduced his new friend Sherwood to Miss Chiquita Banana, a night club singer and show girl, and that started a smoldering fire. Sherwood and Chiquita were seen at the club dancing and laughing and hanging all over each other, according to the newspaper report. When Sherwood took a bite from a banana on Chiquita’s banana-loaded hat, Congressman Rangel, who was watching them, remarked, “Charming-- love at first bite.” Everyone who heard him laughed.
When Sherwood and Chiquita returned to Congressman Rangel’s table, one of the guests told them about the congressman’s remark. Although the joke was on them, they both laughed loudly. Congressman Rangel, who is about eighty-three years old but doesn’t look a day past sixty, doesn’t have the staying power he used to have. He was getting tired, and he told his friends he would leave shortly. Before Congressman Rangel left the night club, he offered Sherwood and Chiquita a two-week free vacation at his rental resort in the Dominican Republic. "Have a good time on me," he said.The infatuated couple accepted the generous offer on the spot—who wouldn’t? The newspaper claimed they eloped and flew to the island on a United States government plane, thanks to the political machinations of the New York congressman.
There is an outstanding warrant for the arrest of Sherwood in New York. Let’s hope the police look elsewhere. There are bigger and older fish to fry.
Recommended:
Conjecture and Rumor: http://www.jeffpaine.blogspot.com/2012/02/conjecture-and-rumor.html
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