$enator $ham and Constituent Paine Exchange Emails

Sent: Saturday, February 03, 2007 or thereabouts
Subject: Shakedown



Dear $enator $ham:

     Last night I received a phone call from your Albany office in regard to a certain confidential campaign contribution. Answering the staff member's query, I said, "the check is in the mail." He said, "That's what you told us last time, and we never got it."

     I said, "Really? Listen, you can be sure that I can be trusted. You should believe everything I say."

     He said, "That's what the senator says during his re-election campaigns, and his staff knows that's BS. I suppose that the next thing you will say is that you stand behind your promises and lies? That's what the senator always says--in private--to us."

     I said, "If the senator continues to shake me down, I may have to place him on the Do Not Call list. If you are an influential contact on the senator's staff, please tell him that I may also report the next phone call as an obscene phone call."

     Pay attention. I pay my taxes regularly. I don't expect to be treated like this. It's not right.



Sincerely,
Constituent Paine

Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007
Subject: Missing Campaign Contribution

Dear Constituent Paine:

It grieves us to no end to hear that someone pretended to represent this august office in a phone call to you. The fact that we have been re-elected should show you that people realize we stand for honesty and forthrightness in representing your interests here in Albany.

The phone call you received was, we believe, from someone representing Democratic Party interests in an attempt to cast aspersions on your loyal and faithful steward of the public trust.

The fact is that no member of this staff could possibly have made the call you received. At that time, we were all in Nassau County campaigning for Maureen O'Connell. As you know, the election of Ms. O'Connell on Tuesday is critical to the preservation of life as we know it in this state. Therefore, we are enclosing for your use a quantity of absentee ballots which have been properly filled in for your voting convenience. Should you not be able to mail these for any reason, please contact this office and we will be pleased to send a representative to pick them up. There is an adequate supply of these in reserve, should you wish to further confirm your commitment to Republican government.

Please rest assured, Mr. Paine, that this office would never compromise its integrity or yours by making the kind of phone call you described.

Sincerely, Senator Shamus Sham

Sent: December 20, 2010

Subject: proposed State Senate reforms

Dear Constituent Paine:

As you know, the Senate will meet for the final time this session on Wednesday.

At that time, it will be my pleasure to introduce reform legislation that will attempt to correct some of the shortcomings of our house that you and other good government groups have advocated. While we readily concede that these reforms fall short of the extensive reforms you hope for, we do hope to assure you that we are making good-faith efforts toward those goals.

One proposal on the agenda deals with term limits. It will prohibit ANY deceased incumbent state senator from serving any more terms than those to which he or she shall be elected after demise. Any deceased senator who has not been reelected and who attempts to conduct senate business will be subject to peer review. That should be the end of that.

Another reform has to do with accepting gifts from lobbyists. This will make it strictly illegal for any state senator to accept any gift from a non-registered lobbyist in excess of $7,400,000 daily (to be adjusted annually for inflation) without the approval of the majority of the members of his political party, and subject to the final approval of the senate majority leader. While my personal take on this, if you'll excuse the choice of word, is that it will not materially (another questionable word choice) affect lobbyists' influence, I hope the message will be clear that lobbying is of concern to us. To be perfectly honest, some exemptions to this will probably be attached as amendments before the measure reaches the floor for a final vote, but I think this will give you an idea as to how sincere we are in reforming lobbying regulations.

It had been my hope to introduce more legislation to make our body more responsive to the best interests of the voters of this great state, but big movements begin with small--well, never mind.

Sincerely, $enator $ham

Sent: December 21, 2010

Subject: "big movements"

Dear $en. $ham:

     Everything you say or do is a "big movement." It blends smoothly with all the crapola being distributed, hippopotamus-style, by your senate colleagues.


     Beware a surprise visit by the State Health Department, which is looking for the source of an E.COLI outbreak in the Capital area. It has spread very far, to New Jersey and California and other places, usually showing up at state capitals.

     Have a Merry Christmas, along with your fellow legislators who usually travel on Christmas junkets at taxpayer's expense. I would suggest a short terminal trip to Iraq to inspect the troops--theirs, not ours.

Regards,

Constituent Paine

Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Subject: attending next session

Dear Constituent Paine:

It has come to our attention that you are interested in the upcoming sessions of the State Legislature.

We are pleased to inform you that we will, indeed, be in session next week to complete this year's work on your behalf, and that of the other taxpayers and, of course, lobbyists. We will be doing this in anticipation of our three-week Christmas break, followed by our pre-New Year's break, which are not really "breaks"at all, but times to be in our districts to confer personally with our constituents--from the Caribbean if necessary.

For more direct information, the general phone number for the Senate is (518) 455-2800, and for the Assembly, (518) 455-4100. Operators at these numbers will be able to transfer your calls to the proper places for your future inquiries.

Thank you for your continued attention to good government in New York State.

Sincerely, Senator Sham

Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Subject: Re:

Dear $en $ham:

     Sen, Bruno has stated that a pay raise "is not on the senate agenda" for next session. Not that I don't trust the incorrigible snake--but hasn't he already solicited your vote in support of a pay raise???

     Your staff assistant has informed me that the rigged-bid state highway project on Rt.81, which I lobbied for in Albany, will go to Paine Paving. Your tickets/itinerary are in the mail for a company-paid 3 week vacation for the whole family in beautiful sunny Haiti. You can pick up the spending money at the usual drop location, the Adult Book Store on Avenue XXX, Albany. Please destroy this email after receipt.

Sincerely,

Constituent Paine

Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Subject: Re:

Dear Constituent Paine:

It should be brought to your attention that attempting to bribe a public official is a crime. Therefore, I should refer your recent e-mail to the Attorney General for prosecution. Considering, however, that you have been such a staunch supporter in the past, I shall overlook this one indiscretion. (For a little consideration down the line, that is.)

You will also be pleased to learn that I am opposed to any pay increase for members of the legislature. However, should the matter be brought up for a vote next week, I may have to vote in favor of it in order to maintain my good standing in the Republican majority. But I just want to assure you that although I may vote for a pay increase, I am in my heart opposed to it.

Sincerely yours, Senator Sham

Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Subject: Re:

Dear $en. $ham:

     You say "I am in my heart opposed to it." Should the public expect that you will refuse the pay raise when it is approved, and donate it to charity??? (I have a charity in mind....)

Whatever your position on this matter, be assured of my continued $upport and good will.

     If you copy, forward or save this email, please erase the dollar signs. I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong impression.

Most sincerely,

Constituent Paine

Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Subject: Re: Re:

Dear Constituent Paine:

One, "Charity Starts at Home," and Two, don't worry about the dollar $ign$. All of us here in the State Legislature know exactly what they mean. There is no chance of misunderstanding, as this is an international symbol as far as our world goes.

Sincerely, Senator Sham

July, 2006. Dear Constituent Paine:  Thank you for your support.  I do indeed promise that I will never raise taxes, that I will never lie, and will never accept any pork or any illegal campaign contributions.  I also promise you that I will support legislation to require snow on Christmas and sailing weather on Labor Day.  I promise you that I will end the war in Iraq within two weeks of hell freezing over (Christmas is exempted as are Jewish holidays), and that all corporations will refund money they have siphoned off from the share holders to pay CEO's -- except the dead CEO's, who automatically get to keep what they take with them.  How is that, Mr. Paine, as an agenda for the next two years at Versailles-on-the-Hudson?  As to your offer for those votes, we have a new euphemism for it (euphemisms are our specialty),  It is now called "alternative voting," and is a spin-off from President Bush's No Corpse Left Behind.  Sic transit gloria GOP.  $incerely your$, $enator $ham