Gateway Gambit

     When that tall statue of Cortland's HONEST POLITICIAN was installed near the I-81 Exit 11--a location called the Gateway to Cortland--Cortland residents waited for the expected influx of visitors from I-81.
     But off-highway visitors, it was reported by other media, continued to do what they always did. They stopped for food, gasoline and quick trips to restrooms and then returned to I-81.
     Apparently they weren't impressed by the huge statue or its name.
     "A big lie," one traveler remarked with disdain. "I'm from Missouri. You can't tie knots in my tail."
     Not wanting to admit failure, a local business group comprised of landlords, lawyers and landlord-lawyers put together a well-disguised health-related business proposal and submitted it to proper authorities. Applications for several city building permits and variances were granted. Shortly afterward, to the surprise of Cortland residents and authorities, the enterprising entrepreneurs stationed female strippers, clad in revealing bikinis and holding signs, along Clinton Avenue, Church Street and Port Watson Street. The girls were advertising the proposed new business venture.
     "It's a promotional stunt," explained Bob Bird, a local landlord.
     Visitors came into the city in droves.
     Local and international travel agencies placed Cortland in their ads for exotic destinations, travel and entertainment deals. Two-way radio traffic among truckers increased dramatically. Restaurants and fast food stores at the Gateway experienced a surge in business.
     Cortland's licensed massage parlors are expected to open soon. They were unwittingly approved by Zoning Board, Planning Board, Board of Regents, Sertoma Club, Zombie Chess Club, American Legion, VFW Post 4, Cortland's retired postal carriers and ultimately common council. Legal papers filed with various boards describe the business as "massage therapy training school." The entrepreneurs are waiting for an IDA PILOT agreement and Empire Zone status before they convert distressed Main Street buildings. They are seeking a grant from the Job Development Authority.They predict fifty-five new jobs in the City of Cortland.
     "It will be a downtown face-lift," said Bob Bird. "Owners of bars and restaurants on Main Street are enthusiastic. Separately, our market studies show that women are underserved by our area retail stores. Our next business proposal may be a vibrator superstore on Main Street."
     Some local resident massage therapists are not so enthusiastic. They promise to keep an eye on the new business venture for any illegal activity.
     "Massage is a hands-on professional occupation," said Mary Martin. "We will report anything illegal that might come up."
     As you probably guessed, there is a growing traffic problem. To make matters worse, those bikini-clad strippers along Clinton Avenue are flashing their breasts at truckers. As a result, truck drivers are slowing down and often stopping to chat with the girls, clogging the flow of traffic on Clinton Avenue. Police have warned the girls that they may be arrested for indecent exposure, and the mayor and common council have directed the police to take aggressive action.
     "We warned the girls last night," said Cortland police Sgt. Pepper. "In spite of the warnings, they flashed us too. These girls could cause a major pile-up on Clinton Avenue if they continue with this tawdry and provocative display. Starting tomorrow, we will not look the other way."
     Sgt. Pepper predicted that parking will be a problem when the new businesses open. Cortland is considering the parking facilities at Riverside Plaza, and the use of county buses to transfer the large number of visitors downtown. 
     "Right now, we are putting all our efforts into keeping trucks on a straight line using Rt. 13 through the city," said Sgt. Pepper. "We are redirecting them when they stray. We intend to ticket drivers if they fail to obey directions."
     The Cortland Contrarian overheard SUCC faculty, including some who are real zombies, discussing the impact of these events on the college student population. We learned that Cortland's flashing strippers and the proposed massage parlors are getting "high 5's" among the male student population at SUCC. In addition, many female students are applying for jobs at the new massage parlors, expecting to pay their way through college without the need for student loans.
     As one might expect, several local churches plan to protest next week. Rev. Farley Smoot from Virgil is organizing the largest protest. His neighbor, Sandy Nice, may join him. Violence Against Women is planning a protest. Attorney Gloria Allgreen has promised a court challenge. A former mayor may sue the city too--"just for the hell of it." The politically popular Save Our Neighborhoods Group--spearheaded by local resident and historian Clay Benefit--plans to present petitions to common council to stop the landlord/lawyer business venture.
     "First we have the student housing occupancy violations, now we get this preposterous proposal. Did you know they had the nerve to request a state grant? Have these greedy landlords and lawyers no decency?" he said.
     Cortland's BDC-IDA is expecting a big boost to the local economy when the proposed business venture gets started. It is not so optimistic about a local newspaper report predicting increases in sales tax revenue, as tipping in massage parlors often goes undisclosed.
     Can't wait for the New York Jets to arrive for summer camp!