"Skip" the Editorial

     Another slap at city government and the mayor appeared in a CS editorial on August 30, 2011.
     What's untrue?
     "Admissions in court papers that student housing landlords are violating the city's housing codes -- without any action so far by City Hall."
     The opposite is true. CS knows this, or should know this. Why doesn't CS add detailed evidence to support this ridiculous assumption? Attorneys working for the city are trying to remove an injunction against the city. Why not explain that to the public? Champions of the First Amendment should lead with the truth.
     CS doesn't like it when the landlords violate city housing codes and claim unconstitutional Fourth Amendment violations. When an ordinance on the number of lawn signs becomes a controversy and CS defines multiple lawn signs as free speech,  the editor proclaims that "censoring participation in local election campaigns is an unconstitutional violation of the First Amendment." That's stretching an argument to the breaking point. May as well allow property owners to erect billboards on their lawns.
     It's acceptable for CS to cite violations of the Constitution, but not acceptable for landlords to cite violations of the same Constitution. Pick and choose? Or -- the law is what CS says it should be?
     The law governing lawn signs "was adopted in 2003." Why not chastise the members of common council who voted for it and the mayor who signed it in 2003? Place the blame, if there is any blame, where it belongs.

Seeding the Clouds

I don't have any particular issues or concerns other than the weather and politics. After you try to change the latter, you realize that it is similar to the former. You can't change it much. You can change the players, but you can't change the game. Is seeding the clouds like making campaign contributions? A weather prediction is more reliable than a politician's promises.

$enator $ham Reply

Dear Constituent Pain:

     You ought to realize that insults, intended or not, do not harm politicians. That is because we have no sense of shame. So you can stick your insult in a hot dog bun and eat it.
     Elected officials take a constitutional oath to defend and protect this great country from our enemies both foreign and domestic -- so help us God. So Al-Qaeda, in my judgment, must be engaged and defeated. That is why we are fighting in Columbia.
     God is great, he is my judge, he guides my decisions. Also guiding my decisions are campaign contributions.
     My constituents are always in my prayers, and I and my Committee for Reelection are always in their pocketbooks and purses.
     On your behalf, I have consulted with Homeland Security, the Defence Department, CIA, FBI, NSA, TSA, MTA, JDL, ABC, CBS, NBC and Lockheed. All of these government agencies assure me that terrorist' threats to our domestic tranquility are credible and should be taken seriously.
     The United States of America has a military presence in 157 countries. We would have more, but some of the smaller Pacific islands are inaccessible or were bombed and obliterated by our planes and ships years ago. We don't need them anyway.
     Since 9/11 this country has been on high alert against attacks by terrorists. Your government has several programs in place to protect you. To protect you against food and water poisoning, we have the FDA. To protect you against foul air and polluted water, we have the EPA. To protect your precious freedom, we have the Patriot Act, which allows warrantless searches of phone and Internet by government authorities. By the way, we know about your pay-for-sex phone call to that sadistic NYC woman who threatened to beat the crap out of you while you masturbated. Personally, I think you paid too much for the phone call.
     At our busy airports, the TSA has intercepted dangerous grandmothers carrying bombs and guns. Consequently, grandmothers will be subject to extensive strip, search, and shakedown.
     Grandmas who pay, fly away. Those who don't, won't.
     We have recently increased our military presence in Oman. Oman has oil. It is in our national interest to secure it. Why the hell do you think we are in Iraq? Exxon-Mobil shareholders voted overwhelmingly in favor of this timely and necessary deployment. So did the voters in Texas and Oklahoma, and the young voters with tokens at Woodman's Pub.
     You can be sure that our several undeclared wars and timely security measures will continue. Your personal security is always paramount in every decision I make.
     Paramount...hmmmm...have you seen any good war movies lately? May I suggest Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb? I don't understand any of it, but it sure is funny.
     My Committee for Reelection is accepting contributions 24/7. Cash donations carefully conveyed (shoe box stuffed with Franklins) are always appreciated.  Representation is directly proportional to the amount of your donation. That's the way we do business in Congress.

                                                                                     Yours in good government,
                                                                                      $enator $ham
P.S. Was MORON a misspelling? I suspect it was. Here in Washington we spell it MOVE ON. And that's what we say when they show up at my office.

Letter to $enator $ham

Dear $enator $ham:

     I have been reading the headlines in our newspapers and I notice a recurring theme. There is always a "war on" something or other. For example, War on Terror, War on Drugs, War on Poverty,War on Corruption, War on Crime, etc.
     Tell me, $enator, have any of these government-initiated wars been won? Will the American people continue to have "war on" forever?
     If your answer to the last question is Yes, can you and other $enators at least substitute "more on" for "war on?" Perhaps you could go one step further. Sign your press releases "Moron."

     Sincerely,
     Constituent Jeff Paine

No Cow Left Behind

     The Obama administration's new education initiative No Cow Left Behind is a great success in Cortland County. One hundred cows are registered in the freshman class at SUCC, fifty cows are registered at TC3, one thousand calves are registered in the Cortland City School District, and eight cows are currently in remedial reading classes supervised by the City of Cortland Youth Bureau.
     In an effort to obtain more money for schools, teachers are writing letters to the editor, making phone calls, and carrying signs with the logo "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE COWS."
     Senators Schumer and Gillibrand and Congressman Hanna visited Cortland recently and praised the new Federal initiative.
     "Educated cows are vital for the future of our country," said Sen. Gillibrand. "This initiative helps us compete in the world economy." Sen. Schumer added, "Money for this initiative will come from a higher tax on the rich, who don't pay a fair share -- damn it."
     Congressman Hanna said that he "voted for the initiative but against the tax. It puts too much burden on the rich. I would prefer a user fee."
     Several important community officials were interviewed for this report.
     SUCC spokesperson Iwanna Milk said "this is obviously an investment in the future. That's what education is all about." She added, "New job opportunities are posted. We hope to add farmers to our staff."
     Chamber of Commerce spokesman Eddy S. Freemarket said, "We need an educated workforce. This program will be good for the dairy industry."
     The mayor of Cortland said, "We will have to expand out handicapped facilities. Let's hope this is not another unfunded mandate and I hope the city gets fully reimbursed."
     Campus police say the cows have acquired some bad habits associating with the other students. "The cows used to eat grass," said Chief Weed. "Now they smoke it. To make matters worse, many arrive in class totally wasted."
     School administrators were concerned about bus services and rest room facilities. The New York State Health Department has proposed new regulations, including cow diapers to be fastened by suspenders over hindquarters. One high-ranking school administrator, who can tweet like a bird, admitted that the new Federal initiative "will be difficult to implement but we intend to meet the challenge. Currently we are making major renovations to our restrooms. We have ordered massive amounts of deodorizer and hundreds of shovels -- just in case. Tweet!"