No Cow Left Behind

     The Obama administration's new education initiative No Cow Left Behind is a great success in Cortland County. One hundred cows are registered in the freshman class at SUCC, fifty cows are registered at TC3, one thousand calves are registered in the Cortland City School District, and eight cows are currently in remedial reading classes supervised by the City of Cortland Youth Bureau.
     In an effort to obtain more money for schools, teachers are writing letters to the editor, making phone calls, and carrying signs with the logo "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE COWS."
     Senators Schumer and Gillibrand and Congressman Hanna visited Cortland recently and praised the new Federal initiative.
     "Educated cows are vital for the future of our country," said Sen. Gillibrand. "This initiative helps us compete in the world economy." Sen. Schumer added, "Money for this initiative will come from a higher tax on the rich, who don't pay a fair share -- damn it."
     Congressman Hanna said that he "voted for the initiative but against the tax. It puts too much burden on the rich. I would prefer a user fee."
     Several important community officials were interviewed for this report.
     SUCC spokesperson Iwanna Milk said "this is obviously an investment in the future. That's what education is all about." She added, "New job opportunities are posted. We hope to add farmers to our staff."
     Chamber of Commerce spokesman Eddy S. Freemarket said, "We need an educated workforce. This program will be good for the dairy industry."
     The mayor of Cortland said, "We will have to expand out handicapped facilities. Let's hope this is not another unfunded mandate and I hope the city gets fully reimbursed."
     Campus police say the cows have acquired some bad habits associating with the other students. "The cows used to eat grass," said Chief Weed. "Now they smoke it. To make matters worse, many arrive in class totally wasted."
     School administrators were concerned about bus services and rest room facilities. The New York State Health Department has proposed new regulations, including cow diapers to be fastened by suspenders over hindquarters. One high-ranking school administrator, who can tweet like a bird, admitted that the new Federal initiative "will be difficult to implement but we intend to meet the challenge. Currently we are making major renovations to our restrooms. We have ordered massive amounts of deodorizer and hundreds of shovels -- just in case. Tweet!"