$enator $ham Reply

Dear Constituent Pain:

     You ought to realize that insults, intended or not, do not harm politicians. That is because we have no sense of shame. So you can stick your insult in a hot dog bun and eat it.
     Elected officials take a constitutional oath to defend and protect this great country from our enemies both foreign and domestic -- so help us God. So Al-Qaeda, in my judgment, must be engaged and defeated. That is why we are fighting in Columbia.
     God is great, he is my judge, he guides my decisions. Also guiding my decisions are campaign contributions.
     My constituents are always in my prayers, and I and my Committee for Reelection are always in their pocketbooks and purses.
     On your behalf, I have consulted with Homeland Security, the Defence Department, CIA, FBI, NSA, TSA, MTA, JDL, ABC, CBS, NBC and Lockheed. All of these government agencies assure me that terrorist' threats to our domestic tranquility are credible and should be taken seriously.
     The United States of America has a military presence in 157 countries. We would have more, but some of the smaller Pacific islands are inaccessible or were bombed and obliterated by our planes and ships years ago. We don't need them anyway.
     Since 9/11 this country has been on high alert against attacks by terrorists. Your government has several programs in place to protect you. To protect you against food and water poisoning, we have the FDA. To protect you against foul air and polluted water, we have the EPA. To protect your precious freedom, we have the Patriot Act, which allows warrantless searches of phone and Internet by government authorities. By the way, we know about your pay-for-sex phone call to that sadistic NYC woman who threatened to beat the crap out of you while you masturbated. Personally, I think you paid too much for the phone call.
     At our busy airports, the TSA has intercepted dangerous grandmothers carrying bombs and guns. Consequently, grandmothers will be subject to extensive strip, search, and shakedown.
     Grandmas who pay, fly away. Those who don't, won't.
     We have recently increased our military presence in Oman. Oman has oil. It is in our national interest to secure it. Why the hell do you think we are in Iraq? Exxon-Mobil shareholders voted overwhelmingly in favor of this timely and necessary deployment. So did the voters in Texas and Oklahoma, and the young voters with tokens at Woodman's Pub.
     You can be sure that our several undeclared wars and timely security measures will continue. Your personal security is always paramount in every decision I make.
     Paramount...hmmmm...have you seen any good war movies lately? May I suggest Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb? I don't understand any of it, but it sure is funny.
     My Committee for Reelection is accepting contributions 24/7. Cash donations carefully conveyed (shoe box stuffed with Franklins) are always appreciated.  Representation is directly proportional to the amount of your donation. That's the way we do business in Congress.

                                                                                     Yours in good government,
                                                                                      $enator $ham
P.S. Was MORON a misspelling? I suspect it was. Here in Washington we spell it MOVE ON. And that's what we say when they show up at my office.