Students, SUCC Professor Form Antichrist Society

     Several students and a maverick SUCC professor recently established an Antichrist society on campus. They met at Corey Union and declared the purpose of the group was to promulgate unchristian thoughts and activities on campus. The name of the group is Disciples of Antichrist, or DAC.
     "Christ is a myth. Christ never existed. The New Testament is a lie," stated maverick Professor of Education Anthony Weiner. "Stop the celebration of Christmas. Call a Christmas tree a holiday tree. Listen to the philosophical statements of professional wrestler Jeff "Antichrist" Hardy, and prophetic songs by Sex Pistols lead singer Johnny Rotten. Read evolutionary biologist J.B.S. Haldane."
     As one might expect, Professor Weiner has received death threats. It was rumored that the Knights of Columbus threatened to set fire to his house. Earlier this year, his house was stoned by male student zombies who accused him of philandering with female student zombies. These are the same male and female student zombies who hang out at the Blue Frog Coffee Cafe in downtown Cortland.
     Antichrist groups are often called The Beasts, False Prophets or Whores of Babylon by fundamentalist churches in the United States.
     Attempts to publish DAC "thoughts and principles" in the student newspaper were unsuccessful. So DAC posted leaflets and notices throughout campus. Catholic, Mormon and born-again fundamentalist Christian students were outraged. Initially, Muslims were noncommittal. When they found out that DAC had written disparaging comments about the Prophet and took sides with Salman Rushdie, they joined the Christians. They sought to ban the group's activities or shut them down. Some righteous, prayerful and God-fearing Christian students threatened personal violence against DAC students. The college president and trustees were reviewing the rules governing hate groups, and a spokesman for the college said an announcement would be forthcoming.
     Anticipating violence on campus, campus police have increased patrols and notified the state police. "We believe reason will prevail, but we are taking precautionary measures nonetheless," said campus police Lt. Herman Cain. "Reason, in police language, is mace."
     The Disciples of Antichrist, meanwhile, demanded equal access to the Interfaith Center for their future meetings. "We have First Amendment rights--freedom of speech, religion and assembly-- and we intend to exercise them," said Professor Weiner.
     Assembly of God pastor Percival Parsons claims that the Antichrist society favors abortion rights. "You can abort babies in our community but you can't shoot crows," said Pastor Parsons. "Call that ethical?" he added. He said he wants professor Weiner fired.
     According to SUCC administration spokesperson Stonewall Jackson III, professor Weiner is a tenured professor and can't be fired.