Sherwood's Photo Released

     Today the Cortland County Sheriff''s department and City of Cortland police jointly released a photo of Sherwood and requested public assistance in locating him. He is wanted for assault and battery, false impersonation and destruction of public property.

    Sherwood, a locally trained, English-speaking chimp, has been on the lam since last September, 2011, when he went on a rampage in the county office building, assaulted former legislature chairman Jack B. Nimble and later impersonated him by assuming the chairmanship of the Cortland County legislature.
    Calling Sherwood a fugitive from justice, Sgt. Pepper of the Cortland police said:
     "We suspect someone in Cortland is harboring this fugitive from justice. We have our eye on a former mayor of Cortland, and we consider him a person of interest. I had planned to retire this year. However, I will not retire until Sherwood is apprehended and brought to justice. If you see this fugitive, phone Animal Control Officer Chris Bestochi at 607-7523-437610. Sherwood has an unpredictable temperament. Don't get too close to him--he throws a wicked left hook."
     Readers are directed to: Has Anyone Seen Sherwood? posted October 1, 2011.  http://jeffpaine.blogspot.com/2011/10/has-anyone-seen-sherwood.html, and Reporter Interviews Cortland Contrarian Editor:   http://jeffpaine.blogspot.com/2011/11/reporter-interviews-cortland.html
     Quote of the day: "God created the chimpanzee because he was disappointed in man. Mark Twain didn't write that--I did." Sherwood

Brian Tobin's Beard

A worried young man with a beard
Said, "My God, it's just as I feared--
Falls off when I swim--I lose it,
As well as my cap and swimsuit! 
When I grin they stay on,
Indeed, nothing is gone.
As your mayor, most fit,
I shall offer this writ: 
I would rather grin than bare it."


Editor's note:
     After reading this poor excuse for a poem, the sensitive mayor shaved and removed every trace of his hirsute appendage. We hope he grows it back soon. We would like to tweak it again.

Squires Building

      Before it burned down on April 11, 2006, The Clocktower building in Cortland was known as the Squires building. The Squires building was erected in 1883 by James Squires. It cost $40,000 to build, and it contained seven stores, eight offices and ten rental flats. It encompassed a portion of the old Eagle store, which was built in 1815 and was owned by Gen. Roswell Randall.
    James Squires was born in Virgil on January 31, 1819. Neighbors and friends said that he was a merchant at birth. By age ten he was buying and selling and making a profit. He started his first business in Virgil, recovered from a business failure in 1843, then was appointed postmaster of Virgil and later he became superintendent of the Virgil school.
    James Squires came to Cortland in 1853. He was engaged in a very profitable mercantile business at that time. He was elected president of the Bank of Cortland in 1869. He was one of the principal founders of the State Normal School at Cortland. He was treasurer of two railroads. He helped fund and erect the Baptist Church of Cortland, and was a prominent member of the church.
    Mr. Squires built his personal residence on lot #44 at the corner of Prospect Terrace and Tompkins street in 1871. It was one of the finest homes in Cortland. By 1885, many improvements were made to his residence, including conservatories and piazzas.
    James Squires was married three times. He married his first wife, Lucia Chamberlain, in 1843. They had four children. Lucia died in 1862. He married his second wife, Libbie Adelia Purinton, in 1865. They had three children. Libbie died in 1871. He married his third wife, Mary Elizabeth Lester, in 1873. They had two children [our primary reference is dated 1885.] Mary died in 1941.
   James Squires died November 21, 1900. His obituary was published in the New York Times.

CS Negotiating Sale to Gannett Company

     Gannett Company, a newspaper chain which owns the Ithaca Journal, Rochester Democrat and Chronicle, and Binghamton Press & Sun Bulletin, is negotiating to buy our local CS newspaper, according to well-informed sources. Details are being withheld at this time. If the sale is completed by July, as indicated, CS will get an infusion of capital to establish a user-friendly up-to-date newspaper website for Internet subscribers and advertisers.
     An update to this story will be available tomorrow.

Update--April 1, 2012
     The Cortland Contrarian discovered this morning that our usually "well-informed sources" were drunk last night and were playing an April Fool's Day prank. CC editor Jeff Paine was duped also. We sincerely apologize to Gannett Company, CS and our loyal readers, especially wishful thinkers.
     By act of contrition and consolation, we highly recommend the following website, which contains detailed explanations of 100 of the world's greatest hoaxes:  http://museumofhoaxes.com/hoaxes/aprilfool.
     You may want to listen to April Come She Will by Simon & Garfunkel at :  http://mp3skull.com/mp3/april_come_she_will.html. This soothing music is a peace offering.

Godzilla vs. Hydrilla

     The Tompkins County legislature voted unanimously yesterday to lease from the Japanese government a working model of Godzilla to eat and destroy the invasive aquatic plant called hydrilla. An $800,000 state grant, originally intended for plant-killing chemicals, will be used to pay for the lease. Environmentalists cheered when the resolution was adopted.
     Hydrilla threatens fish life, boating and swimming at the Cayuga Lake Inlet. Recently two fishermen were thrown into the cold lake and drowned when an erupting green mass of hydrilla rose from the lake bottom and flipped their boat.
     Members of the Hydrilla Task Force persuaded the county legislature to lease a replica of the movie icon Godzilla after scientists from Cornell University dubbed the little green plant a destructive and agressive aquatic invader. A program leader of the Tompkins County Cooperative Extension warned legislators that the plant's reproductive turions were spreading unchecked.
     Scientists first suggested the introduction of sterile carp, but carp cannot be contained and isolated at the Inlet and may cause extensive habitat damage to other areas of the lake.
     Godzilla, on the other hand, has been genetically programmed to respond to emotional cries from children and adults in sinking boats, and environmentalists who cry when they see invasive plants in lake water.
     Godzilla will begin work at the Cayuga Lake Inlet on June 1. The public is invited to watch his progress and encourage his efforts. Amateur movie crews and photographers are expected. The Japanese ambassador is also expected.
     Scientists are studying a Godzilla-related environmental waste problem but a solution to dispose of Godzilla's personal waste has not been made public. It is believed that scientists are working on a disposal method called programmable odorless organic preparation. When they use the term among themselves, they distinctly emphasize each accented syllable. In everyday conversation, skeptical Ithaca residents use the acronym.


Editor's note:
For additional information about hydrilla, visit Tompkins County Cooperative Extension: http://ccetompkins.org/environment/invasive-species/fighting-hydrilla 
For information about Godzilla, visit Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godzilla.

    

      

Cortland School District State Aid 2012-13

     The Cortland Enlarged City School District will receive $25,358,067 in combined aid from New York State for school year 2012-13. This is a 1.04% increase over the current year. Without the inclusion of building aid, it is a 1.70% increase. Current aid is $25,097,348. The Assembly released these figures March 27, 2012. View in pdf:  http://www.assembly.state.ny.us/comm/Ed/2012school_aid/index.pdf
Cincinnatus, McGraw, Homer and Marathon numbers are included in this release.

Cortland County Legislature Votes To Join Flat Earth Society

     The Cortland County legislature voted 18-1 today to apply for associate membership in the international Flat Earth Society. A surprising negative vote was cast by legislator Newell Willcox, who later explained why he was opposed.
     "We should invite them to join us," he said. "Everything we do smacks of flat earth theory."
     The Flat Earth Society promotes the continuous and consistent belief in a flat earth. It's motto is: "Veritate Victoria" or Victory in Truth.
     Legislator Tony Pace was made a county delegate to the Flat Earth Discussion Board. Interviewed by Flat Earth News at the County Office Building, he stated:
     "This is an honor which I appreciate and deserve. I admire 19th century lecturer Dr. Samuel Birly Rowbotham and I have read all of his writings and theories. The man was a genius."
     The county legislature has a reputation for controversy. Recently the legislature hired a public defender, effectively ending one controversy by creating another.
     "Our intention is to amuse and entertain voters. Serious work and accomplishment is an after-thought--some say an accident," commented a legislator who wanted to remain anonymous. "The landfill is a good example. Next, we shall tackle the hepatitis C virus and the sticky problem of free needles for drug addicts. That ought to be a howler."
     For information about the Flat Earth Society, click on: www.theflatearthsociety.org
     For information about Cortland County government, click on: www.cortland-co.org

Editor's note: Although we created a parody and "quoted" legislators Willcox and Pace in this post, the Cortland Contrarian acknowledges the high work ethic of both individuals and their commitment to improve the efficiency and economy of county government. They avoid procrastination and make quick decisions. One is a Republican and one is a Democrat, and both seem to recognize the need for bi-partisan progress to achieve necessary improvements in county government. Now, if the others would get in line, perhaps this parody would be unnecessary.