A STORY WITHOUT A MORAL

The Cortland Democrat, Friday, July 1, 1892.

A Story Without a Moral.

   Among the many fables to be found in the columns of Cortland dailies, the one published in the Evening Standard last Tuesday under the heading "A Story with a Moral," takes the Johnny cake as a specimen of lachrymose journalism, although the writer professes to consider it a wonderful joke on some imaginary person or thing. This story with a moral, divested of the Standard's verbiage, is condensed into the following:

   A lady resident of this village of somewhat secluded life, who until recently, took but one local paper, was called upon a few weeks ago, by one of the Standard's paid, local female gossipers. The stay-at-home lady, in order to rid herself of her voluble visitor, suggested that they call upon another lady, who lived in town. "Why, bless you, don't you know she is dead and buried? What paper do you take? I saw a full account of it in the Evening Standard," said the paid gossiper, pulling a handkerchief from her pocket and softly wiping away a tear that appeared in the corner of her eyelids.

   The recluse, so we are told, acknowledged that she took one of the other papers but at once fortified herself against another call from the female gossiper and the shedding of another sole single, solitary and sanctimonious tear upon the part of the party of the second part, by subscribing for, and undoubtedly obtaining, a ten cent copy of "The Fair," which does represent "something," and the Cortland Evening Standard, which has no competitor in this bailiwick, as a representative of "Nothing."

   What a great pity it was, that the recluse didn't have a Kodak in her possession. A snap shot might have secured a photograph of that tear, as it trembled in the comer of the female gossiper's peeper, from which a woodcut could have been made, and this placed over the head of the article, would have served to point a moral, or adorn a tale and might possibly have disclosed to the obtuse minds of the Standard's readers the abode of the huge joke and the place where the big guffaw should come in.

   Possibly the shadow of the gossiper might have been secured as she was in the act of jerking that huge, brine-soaked, begrimed and bedraggled handkerchief from her voracious pocket, or better still as she broke the globule and deftly, as it were, caught the contents in the folds of the bandana.

   The Standard's huge jokes ought certainly to be preserved, but unfortunately they are, as a rule, so full of tears, that the swipe of some ruthless cambric destroys them forever.

   [We do not have access to the June 28, 1892 issue of the Cortland Evening Standard—CC editor.]

Victoria Woodhull Martin.

   Victoria Woodhull Martin stands on a very progressive platform. Her theory is that if vicious, diseased, deformed and imbecile people on the earth can be kept from intermarrying and propagating, a very handsome and long-lived human family will result. In other words, she is seeking to introduce into our sexual affairs the same principal which applies to the Kentucky stock farm. Mrs. Martin means well, but her scheme is not practical. How will she prevent a housebreaker from marrying a female thief? How can she prevent a deformed man from becoming the husband of a Western woman who wears No. 12 shoes? The idea is preposterous; it won't work. Might as well undertake to grow figs from thistles or sorrel colts from horse chestnuts.—Albany Post.

Handsomely Entertained.

   Mr. Jas. L. Hickok, book-keeper in the First National Bank, entertained a few of his friends very handsomely at the Messenger House last Monday evening. Mr. Hickok's aunt, Mrs. E. E. Hickok of St. Louis, her son, Lieut. H. R. Hickok, U. S. A., and her daughter are his guests for a few days and the affair was gotten up for them. Dancing in the parlor was the order of the evening until about 11 o'clock, when the doors of the dining room were thrown open and all sat down to a handsome spread. After supper had been discussed [sic], dancing was resumed and continued until a late hour.

   Besides those above named the following were present: Misses Maude Fitzgerald, Minnie Fitzgerald of Chicago, Edythe Mahan, Mary Pomeroy and Adeline Bennett of Homer, Jesse Phelps of Norwood, and Messrs. H. L. Smith, F. R. Peck, J. L. Hickok, F. V. Bennett, C. S. Pomeroy, L. P. Bennett of Homer. On Wednesday the same party spent the day at Glen Haven with these additions: Misses Grace K. Duffey, Lena L. Smith, Harriet Hilton of Albany and Mr. B. W. Rood of Cortland and Mr. Al Smith of Homer. The pleasures of the day at Glen Haven wound up with a supper and dance at the hotel.

The Centennial Celebration.

   The Centennial celebration held at Floral Trout Park under the auspices of Excelsior Hook & Ladder company opened last Thursday afternoon. The weather looked dubious and but few were on the grounds until after the parade in the evening, when a large crowd gathered. The glass-blowers exhibition and the dancing pavilion were well patronized and the museum of antiquities proved to be interesting to a large number of visitors. The old log cabin occupied by a family of Indians was also an object of interest.

   On Friday evening a large crowd of people attended to witness a duel between the Monitor and the Merrimac, which took place on the lake, sky-rockets being used in place of Gatling guns. Roman candles and firecrackers were also brought into play and the sham battle fought in the darkness seemed quite realistic.

   On Saturday afternoon and evening over 2000 persons were gathered on the ground. Soon after the crowd assembled the Indians engaged in throwing the snow snake and for want of snow the exhibition took place on the grass plot. The snake is a long piece of hickory, something like an old-fashioned whip stalk, tipped with lead. To a novice the snake was hard to throw but the Indians were very skillful with it. The boys swimming match followed with the following contestants: Martin O'Connor, Dick O'Brian, Frank Dermody and Elmer Wells. They dove off the boat landing and swam across the lake and back for 75, 55, 45, and 25 cents, finishing in the order above named.

   A boat race between cowboy Frank Waters and an Indian followed, the cowboy winning. Then came the fire alarm and the old-time firemen came to the rescue but were unable to put the fire out and a stream from the engine was required to extinguish it. The Hitchcock Hose running team then made a race against time beating the record and making the run in 28 seconds.

   Hon. Jas. H. Tripp of Marathon delivered an excellent address in the afternoon and Hon. J. K. Eggleston gave a good address in the evening.

   The affair passed off pleasantly but the expenses were so heavy that it is doubtful if the boys come out much ahead.

185th Regiment.

   The twenty-eighth annual reunion of the 185th, Regt. N. Y. Vol. was held at Maple Bay. Onondaga Co., last Friday. The reunion was not as largely attended as usual owing to the fact that several prominent members had business engagements elsewhere and also to the fact that death has been making sad inroads in the ranks within the past year.

   The next annual reunion will be held in this village. The following officers were elected for the ensuing year:

   President—Otis C. Smith, Cortland.

   1st Vice-President—J. W. Strowbrldge, Cortland.

   2nd Vice President—Henry Porter, Baldwinsville.

   Secretary—B. Hermon Smith, Syracuse.

   Treasurer—Theodore M. Barber, Syracuse.

   Executive Committee—J. H. Connic, Truxton; L. S. Merick and W. W. H. Hamilton, Syracuse ; J. W. Strowbridge and H. M. Phillips, Cortland.

The Court House.

   At an adjourned meeting of the board of trustees of this village, held last Monday evening, a resolution inviting the board of trustees of Homer village to be present and join in the celebration to be held in this place, next Monday [July 4], was adopted. The following resolution was also adopted:

   Resolved, That the committee of the whole board appointed to meet the board of supervisors of Cortland county on July 1st, with reference to making a proposition for the purchase of the court house in case the supervisors decide to build a new court house in said village be and hereby are authorized to agree with the said board of supervisors to submit to the electors of this village, to be voted upon by them, a proposition to purchase the present court house and jail and site for village uses and purposes at the price of $15,000.

   On motion a committee was appointed to sell one of the old hose carts to Conger Hose of Groton. The meeting adjourned to July 4th.

Wagon Repairing.

   Mr. Thomas Mulligan, the well known carriage blacksmith, has rented a portion of his shop at No. 27 North Main-st., to Mr. A. T. Kimble, who will do all kinds of wagon repairing in wood, while Mr. Mulligan will do the iron work. They are not in partnership, but any one who has wagons or carriages to be repaired can get all the work done well at the same shop.