Ancient Petrified Cross-Dresser Unearthed In Groton

     Pssts! They're keeping it a secret in Groton--but this reporter heard the rumor in a Groton barber shop and decided to give it feet and wings. If it has a ring of fantasy to it, it belongs in this blog's non-political section.
     Last April, the petrified and burnt body of an ancient Native American cross-dresser was unearthed in a dry cave two miles west of Groton on McNabe's farm. A petrified totem pole painted white and red was also found near the entrance to the cave. The county coroner, Judson Smith, examined the stone-like corpse and declared it was a male, in his early 20's, and in the prime of life when he died. The corpse was radioactive carbon dated to the 3rd millennium B.C.
     How did he die?
     Smith said the petrified man was getting his hair cut, dried and styled, when his hair caught fire and he burned to death. And he may have been stabbed. To arrive at this conclusion, Smith examined the observable evidence scattered on the floor of the cave near the corpse: a long comb made of wood, twin parallel sticks thought to be a primitive styling tool, a pair of crude scissors with short wooden handles and flint blades, and a prehistoric "blow dryer"-- a bellows made of mammoth skin with a wood handle. The scissors were lodged in the back of the corpse between the shoulder blades. All of these items were charred but identifiable. Additionally, a fire pit with traces of unburned charcoal was located near the burnt corpse.
     Smith told the downtown Groton barber that he believes, after studying the evidence, that an ancient barber, perhaps the petrified man's live-in partner, was using the bellows to blow hot air from the fire pit into the hair of the petrified man when sparks set his hair and body on fire. The remains of the presumed live-in partner have not been found.
     All of the uncovered artifacts were labelled and tagged by state police investigators, who sealed the cave with crime-scene tape to keep the public from entering the cave. Representatives of the Museum of Anthropology and Stone-Age Curiosity studied the petrified corpse and other evidence, and will present the results of their findings to the public early next year.
     The cross-dressing part of this story, given the evidence found in the cave, is a persuasive corollary. Smith claims that he found burnt fragments of a rabbit skin skirt and blouse stuck to the corpse, and a make-up kit among the other artifacts nearby. The make-up kit was a large deerskin pouch containing eyebrow tweezers--made of a bird's wishbone--red ocher powder, yellow and green plant dye, and Chanel No. 5.
     No one in the barbershop asked the obvious question--





     Was it the scene of an accident or was it the scene of a murder?
     Did you suppose it would be a question about perfume?