Miracle Plant Grows On Roof Of Cortland Library

     It is a beautiful small evergreen plant that blooms in winter and summer. It is similar to holly, but is distinctively different: each audible flaming-red fruit sings paeans to FDR, and extols the virtue of democracy. There are summer nights when the plant's fruit sing gospel hymns and folk music. It quiets roof-roosting crows and puts them to sleep in summer, but irritates them and keeps them awake and garrulous in winter. No one knows why.
     "This plant has scientists baffled--it is a biological miracle," said Hubert Funk, Director of Plant Physiognomy at Cornell's School of Agriculture. "Besides photosynthesis, it has atypical photovoltaic chemical cells embedded in the leaves, which generate electrical energy. It appears to be a biological form of nanotechnology. Each fruit, about the size of a large cranberry, has a miniature animated facial expression. We don't know how it actually makes music. Truly bizarre," he exclaimed. "Nothing like it has been documented until now."
     Mike Funk, Hubert's brother, who is a cell phone engineer, is trying to decipher the plant's complex electronics. "I suspect this plant operates on a 4G cell phone network and gets its music from YouTube. I have not identified the cell phone network. The data is encrypted, and the frequency keeps changing. It's entirely possible that the signal originates outside earth's atmosphere, somewhere in space."
     Ford and Toyota engineers have studied the plant's electrical storage abilities for adaptation to hybrid cars.
     Cornell botanists and scientists have classified it Planta Phaenomenae, or phenomenal plant. The Department of Environmental Conservation has ordered that it be placed on the protected plant species list. The DEC also nick-named it Warrensia Eddysiae.
     This phenomenal plant was first noticed by people on the sidewalk passing by the library in the evening, when the songs are usually heard. Senior citizens who reside in nearby tall buildings have heard the music for years, and some Republicans among them have complained to police.
     Two years ago roofers inspecting the library roof confirmed the plant's existence. Since then it has been the object of scientific inquiry and speculation, and has made Cortland a city of pilgrimage for curious doubters. It is predicted that it may someday attract as many visitors as Our Lady of Lourdes.
     "This plant is a terrific tourism boost for our city," said Doug Walsh, head of the Business Development Council. "People from as far away as Russia and China will visit our city for its cultural and political oddities."