Miracle Plant Is a "Plant"

      Shortly after the Miracle Plant story was posted on this blog, the National Security Agency contacted the Cortland Contrarian. NSA informed our staff that the plant on the library roof is a Russian FSB "plant" --which actually spies on the City of Cortland while disguised as a musical biological novelty. The spy device intercepts cell phone text and voice messages, Internet communications, emergency fire, medical and police communications, and reads the minds of senior citizens in nearby high-rise buildings.
      NSA officials said that the FSB plant accurately predicted the outcome of recent municipal elections. The miracle plant communicates via satellite, and NSA was able to intercept all of its communications to Russia, including an observation on city elections.
      NSA officials read a short translated and unencrypted message:
      "Cortland's political secret has been discovered. B.S. baffles brains."
      When Cornell's Director of Plant Physiognomy, Hubert Funk, was notified by NSA officials, he asked if he and his brother could continue their examination of the Miracle Plant. NSA officials told him the plant was a national security threat and told him crudely to "butt out."
      NSA sent a team of dismantling experts, including scientists, engineers and bomb experts, and they removed the plant from the roof of the library and took it away. Strangely, the plant was broadcasting Rimsky-Korsakov music as it was carried off the roof.
      The Business Development Council and Cortland County were notified and they lodged immediate protests to elected officials in Washington, bemoaning loss of tourism dollars and sales tax revenue.