Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Hydrofracked Zombies Approaching Virgil

New York State Academy of Pertinacious Pedants.

Update on Hydrofracking.


What you need to know and fear. Hydrofracking disturbs and pollutes the natural environment.


   Round-the-clock bright lights, heavy machinery causing noise pollution, and clouds of dust disturbing everyone. Methane leaks. Water pollution. Marcellus Shale gas drillers and suppliers working all night and all day. Hydrofracking operations presenting the appearance of an active war zone. Fracking is an unconscionable assault on the environment.

   Look at the air they breathe. It is polluted. Air pollution often occurs from venting and leaking of toxic gases (including volatile organic compounds (VOCs) and hydrocarbons including benzene, toluene, ethyl benzene, xylene, and methamphetamine on surface rocks.

   Smog production has visibly increased. This occurs when VOCs combine with nitrogen oxides (NOx) from truck exhaust and ground-level ozone. Eyes get itchy. Eyesight is impaired. Breathing is more difficult. The air itself stinks. Skunks are cute and almost tolerable compared to this awful stink. Avoid skunks, fight smog and join our crusade to Save the Earth.

   There is manifest deforestation and loss of land for agriculture and raising of livestock. Methane is detectable on property belonging to farmers and other nearby residents, and there is methane in well and spring water. Cows are producing worthless Brownfield milk while fighting back with their own methane. Each action produces a reaction, etc.

   Fracking disturbs wildlife and changes wildlife behavior. There are reports that forest animals are attacking humans. Black bear attacks on humans have increased. Crows and blue jays are harassing hikers and scouts and nudists on nature trails. Fracking brought radon to the surface which caused mutations in the grey squirrel population. Grey squirrels are now about the size of small kangaroos. The squirrels have purchased guns and joined the NRA. Hunters are actually taking non-self-inflicted casualties for the first time in history. The State of Pennsylvania reports fewer applications for hunting licenses, and the governor has proposed calling out the National Guard to pacify “armed and dangerous squirrels politically aligned with the NRA.”

   Toxic chemicals have contaminated local water wells, springs, creeks, rivers and lakes. Ducks and geese refuse to land in these waters. Pennsylvania’s fish, wanting desperately to escape, accepted a devious invitation to fly south as cargo with known predators. They joined eagles, cormorants and herons, flying all the way to Florida. These fish, of course, were eaten on the way south, and the remains of nearly all of Pennsylvania’s coveted game fish were deposited in Florida. Watch your step, Floridians. Pennsylvania’s alligators started to move south too. They have demonstrated an appetite for tasty family pets and small children. Watch your kids and pets, Virginians!

    Air and water contamination detected in pastures, woods and backyards is a problem too. Snakes and people have stopped sun-bathing. A Wilkes-Barre Nudist Resort has permanently closed. Insects are dying and song birds have stopped singing. Gypsy moths are dying in dying trees, and that’s a mixed blessing but not a mixed metaphor.

   Leaking methane, of course, is a highly potent greenhouse gas. Did you know that it is adaptable for home heating and gas-fed hot water heaters? Stay in harmony with nature, environmentalists. Build homes over these methane leaking cracks in the earth. Get your natural gas free. Don’t bother looking for an insurance policy.

   Fracking increases the known probability of earthquakes. Our geologists have the evidence. You can pay to see it. Cash only, no checks.

   Paranormal activity--flying witches, aliens, zombies and the like--was noticed after several minor earthquakes occurred near Montrose, Pennsylvania. As recently as November 22, 2013, late at night, truck drivers saw glow-in-the-dark toxic zombies trudging north on roads and highways between Montrose and Ithaca, New York. Drivers at truck stops heard zombies moaning in the nearby woods: “Free at last, free at last, fracking set us free at last.”

   Environmentalists, especially anti-frackers, are greatly concerned about these zombie reports. They fear that the zombies are affiliated with the Tea-Party and may disrupt anti-fracking protests scheduled at Ithaca, Dryden, Virgil and Albany, or they may attack and eat Save-the-Earth protesters. State Police have reported that hordes of zombies, when spotted from patrol cars, turn off their chemical glow-in-the-dark substance as fireflies do, and then disappear in the fields, woods and swamps. None has been killed or captured so far.

    A motorist from Ithaca stopped his car to read a map on the shoulder of Route 13 recently. He heard and saw a group of zombies in the woods near his car. He opened the driver’s door window and claims he heard them mutter “Goin’ Virgil fur Halloween, gonna bob fur applegait,” or words to that effect.

   The driver is a college professor and a certified member of the Academy of Pertinacious Pedants. He is certain that the zombies are on their way to Virgil, New York, under a pretense of bobbing for apples on Halloween night. If any of them are caught by police, that's what they will mutter, omitting the word 'pretense.' He says the zombies actually intend to eat human brains on Halloween night, and they have specified a delectable victim who lives in Virgil. Our certified member won’t say who that person is, but he hints that it is a retired teacher that everyone knows and loves.

     A Republican Cortland County legislator, who doesn’t want his name made public, thinks the zombies should stay in Ithaca or Dryden. “Looking for brains in Virgil is a real waste of time,” he said.



“Air” Original Broadway Cast of Hair on YouTube.

No comments:

Post a Comment